The Spotlight
by CanadianPunk1
Summary: Takes place some time in the future. All events occuring in the Buffyverse have happened.


Disclaimer: The song featured is by Beth Orton.  
  
The Spotlight  
  
Twenty-seven hours driving in this car and I'll be damned if the landscape hasn't changed one bit. Sure I've driven through a couple of states already, but everything always looks the same. After all, it's the same old world I've always seen. Sad, lonely and oh so fake it's makes the heart ache. Now don't get me wrong, I was never one to fall under false pretenses, I saw the world for what it was the first day I could see with my own eyes. Sure it's nice sometimes to give in, just for a moment. To fall into the gap between reality and fantasy, it provides some sort of cold comfort. But that's all it is, cold. Twenty-two years of living and that's what I know. It's not some great accomplishment, and I'm definitely not going to be listed as one of the great revolutionary thinkers of my day. But at least I know I'm not blind.  
  
If I ever feel the light again  
Shining down on me  
I don't have to tell you  
How welcome it would be  
  
Rolling down the window I can feel the day pouring down on me in waves. The air, the sun, the smell, even the faint hint of moisture that clings to the air with a certain unmistakable thickness. It all feels like California, and I guess that fits, seeing as how I just blew past the 'Now entering California' state sign clocking about one hundred. I realize it's been a while since I visited the City of Angels, and the thought brings up a certain acidity to my stomach, talk of angels and all things bright and sunny never really did fit in my life. So I stay on the highway and turn my thoughts to a destination a little more to the north.  
  
I felt the light before  
But I let it slip away  
And I just keep on believing  
That it'll come back someday  
  
Our lives aren't defined by the person we are, but by the soul we possess. I think I read that in a pamphlet in a motel a few state lines back. I can't say I'm all that deeply moved by it. I know someone who would probably find some value in it, but me? Well I think I'm a little too far gone already for that to apply to me. Stopping for gas somewhere on the edges of the Napa Valley, I get out of the car and light up a Cig. Almost everyone I know tells me it's a nasty habit, one that I definitely got to kick, and I guess that's what this trip is all about. There's a flutter of something in my heart as my eyes scan the horizon, and I know I'm still a ways away, but I can already feel her. Just like an addiction. A sickly habit I've got to kick. Strange thing is I still don't know if there's anything I've got to get over. And if there is am I strong enough to do it. Feeling weak makes me sick.  
  
Sometimes I try to tell myself  
The light was never real  
Just a fantasy that used to be  
The way I used to feel  
  
Another night in some motel and a few more aches to add with the rest of them. Tossing my shit in the back seat my eye catches a photograph. Really isn't anything significant. It's just a picture of that old gang of mine. From before I got infected with the wanderer's lust. You see there's a house, somewhere in the serenity of the Napa Valley. It's nothing special really. Two stories, three bed rooms, two bathrooms, which I'll admit was a step up. It's got a barn, and I'll bet that by now there's a horse living there. There really isn't anything special about the house. Looking at the picture, it's definitely the people living there, and the fact that when I left she turned the porch light on, so I'd always find my way back to her, even in the dark. Damnit, there I go getting all emotional again. But it's always that way. And that's why I drove halfway across the country to get back here. The world may be cold and dark, but there's something about that light. And don't get me wrong, it's not just the porch light that's bringing me back. Despite all the darkness I've seen in the world, damn near even convinced myself there isn't anything but darkness, there's light here, it's in her eyes, and it's the thing that's made me feel.  
  
But you and I know better  
Even though it's been so long  
Now if your memory really serves you well  
You'll never tell me no wrong  
  
It's taken me five years to get here. I drove for three days, but it's taken me five years to get to this point. I've had to have set some kind of record for stupidity. But there's no sense dwelling on that now. I've come a long way from cheap motels and sex that's just good for the body. It really feels like the scar from my former life may finally start to fade as I start the drive up the side road that'll lead me closer to the house.  
  
It's not the spotlight  
It's not the candlelight  
It's not the streetlights  
Of some old street of dreams  
  
I've already switched the headlights off. Don't really need to see where I'm going anyways. This is more of a feeling thing than a seeing thing. It's good to finally know the difference between the two. This is the one place where I can be blinded and still not lack sight. I know that this is the place I really see with my heart. If that weren't true, all the pain, it's just wouldn't have hurt as much. But that's all forgotten as I turn my car round the last bend and the porch light is the only thing I see. With the headlights off, the moon sent down blue light, but now with the porch light in view, all I see is the warm yellow glow. And I can't stop the smile that creeps onto my face.  
  
It ain't the moon light  
Not even the sunlight  
  
I stop the car, just out of earshot of the house. Stealing myself a moment for composure I breath in deeply the warm air pouring into my car. Different from California, the air here seems cooler, like it lacks the oppressing heat, the suffocation from a world of demons and false angels. This is real, it smells sweet, pure. So I open the car door and close it gently. Walking up to the house it's all starting to fall into place, I really feel like I belong here. It's not sad, it's not lonely, and right now, with the warm yellow light guiding me up the front steps, it doesn't feel fake. So often I've kept myself in the darkest parts of this world, thinking that's all I was good for, but knocking on this door, that familiar flutter enters my heart once again. And as I wait to see her face it's one last touch to the old scars. I guess I found my light in this world. And as I feel myself fall completely, securely enveloped in her arms, this is the only place I need to be.  
  
But I seen it shining in your eyes  
And you know what I mean 


End file.
